The DanFootball Gazette: Season 17 Retrospective

A word from the editor

Bill Shankly once said that football is not a matter of life and death, because it is much more important than that. This newspaper agrees, and has therefore decided to treat Season 17 with the seriousness it deserves: very little. Every number below is real. The jokes are ours, and where they are not ours, we have told you whose they are. The great press rooms of England and Romania have been raided for wisdom. We found some.

Act I: Spicey Boys, or the art of not losing

In 2012 Gică Hagi, asked about Dinamo's title chances, offered the most honest forecast in the history of Romanian football: "Dacă va câștiga toate meciurile, cred că Dinamo este favorită la titlu" (if they win all their matches, I think Dinamo are favourites for the title). Prosport put it in its list of the year's pearls. Spicey Boys Barranco read it, believed it, and very nearly did it. 26 wins, 4 draws, 0 defeats. 78 scored, 9 conceded, 82 points.

• Unbeaten in World League 1, the second club ever to do it after Wild Roses in Season 15. Add the friendlies (33-1-0) and Spicey Boys played 64 matches this season and lost none of them. The accountants in Barranco have stopped printing the "L" column to save ink.
• 82 points, the second-highest total in World 1 history, one behind Raiders' 83 from Season 9. 19 wins in a row (Rounds 4 to 22), also second all-time, behind Raiders' 22. Bucharest keeps both records, and is guarding them the way grandmothers guard the good plates.
• Counting the fourteen unbeaten matches that ended Season 16, the run now stands at 44 league matches. Wild Roses' 54 still holds. For now.
• The title was sealed in Round 29. Second World 1 title for the club (Seasons 14 and 17). Home record: 14-1-0. Away: 12-3-0. The three hosts who held them to a draw (Adria, Sharks and Wild Roses) have asked for the matches to be framed.

The decisive afternoons came early. Round 4: Spicey Boys 2-1 Wild Roses, Mancebo from the penalty spot in the first minute, Langelaar in first-half stoppage time, Tóth too late in the 90th. Round 8: Spicey Boys 3-0 Sharks, Tueni twice. After that, the chasers only met Spicey in draws: 2-2 in Gold Coast (Cope scored twice, Barsotti and Mancebo replied), 0-0 in Edmonton in Round 27, 1-1 twice with Adria. And on the day they beat Galaxy 1-0 in Round 26, the only goal was scored by a Galaxy defender (Act V). Even the opposition helped.

Who scored? Everybody. Luca Barsotti 13, Yoda 11, Tadashi Masui 9, and sixteen different scorers in all. Miguel Mancebo, last year's Golden Boot with 22, scored seven and nobody in Barranco noticed, because the machine works without any single part. The biggest away win of the season was theirs: Banatul 0-8 Spicey Boys, Round 20, six different men scoring in Timisoara. Brian Clough is supposed to have described his method of handling disagreements with players like this: "We talked about it for twenty minutes and then we decided I was right." Spicey Boys do the same with opponents, except it takes ninety.

Act II: Wild Roses, the best third place in history

Here is a riddle for the long winter evenings. Which club had the best defence in World League 1 (8 conceded), the best goal difference (+70, one more than the champions), lost only twice, and finished third? Answer: Wild Roses Edmonton, 22-6-2, 78:8, 72 points, the highest total ever for a third-placed club (the old record was their own 71, Season 14). In Seasons 1, 2 and 5, 72 points would have won the title.

The two defeats deserve a museum. In Round 1 the champions opened with 9-0 against Arrows, the biggest win of the season, Branko Lazarevic with a hat-trick and Uzel with another. In Round 2 they went to Buenos Aires and lost 1-0 to Juventud. The goal was an own goal by Munera, their own defender, in the 12th minute. Juventud did not need to score. They just needed to stand near the ball. Johan Cruyff once explained Italian football to the Dutch press: "Italianen kunnen niet van je winnen, maar je kan wel van ze verliezen" (the Italians can't beat you, but you can lose to them). Juventud are Argentine, but the principle travels. Two rounds later came the 2-1 in Barranco, and the season was effectively decided in its first month.

After that, Wild Roses did not lose again: 26 unbeaten, with five goalless draws, two of them against Adria and one against the champions. They finished the season by losing their goalkeeper instead. Mario Spadafora, sent off twice last season (once for language), was sent off in the final round at Arrows for, and we quote the match report, "grabbing the referee by the arm to argue". Wild Roses won 3-0 anyway. Uzel 14, Fariña 13, Tsolakidis 12. Six titles, still one behind Raiders. Next season, says Edmonton, they will try not scoring in their own net.

Act III: Sharks and Adria, records nobody wants

Gold Coast Sharks scored 84 goals, the most in the division, finished with 74 points (23-5-2), and came second. They lost only to Spicey Boys (0-3) and Wild Roses (0-1). Virgilio Luján, once a 15,000-credit signing, won the World 1 Golden Boot with 18. The Sharks are like the man who comes second at a lookalike contest for himself.

And Adria Split: 20-9-1, 69 points, unbeaten in 28 matches, one defeat all season (Round 2, 0-2 at Sharks), and fourth. Sixty-nine is the highest total ever for a fourth-placed club, beating Raiders' 68. Adria conceded 12. After Round 2 nobody beat them again. They drew nine times, including both matches with Spicey Boys and both with Wild Roses. Bobby Robson, after England met Cameroon in 1990, is remembered for summing it up like this: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." That is what everyone in World 1 now says about Adria. And then they finish fourth.

Act IV: Atlas, eight points

Some promoted clubs arrive to make friends. Atlas Marrakech arrived to make history. 1 win, 5 draws, 24 defeats, 13 scored, 83 conceded, 8 points. The previous lowest total in World League 1 was 12 (Kaiser, Season 14). Their goal difference of −70 equals the worst ever (Atlantico, Season 7). Atlas went 28 matches without a win from the first day, then beat Nordlys 3-2 in Round 29: Rigby twice, Abid in the 86th minute, and Marrakech celebrated as if it were a cup final. It was, in a way. It was the only one they had.

Last season Atlas went up from World 2 with sixteen draws, which suggested they were difficult to beat. This season settled that. Arpad Paszkany of CFR Cluj once analysed an opponent's threat with these words: "Au avut două ocazii: unul din corner și altul din ofsaid" (they had two chances, one from a corner and one from offside). Atlas opponents averaged almost three goals a match and needed neither.

Going down with them: Lions FC Lagos, 13 points, two wins, one on the first day (1-0 against Nordlys) and one in Round 27 (3-0 at Atlas), with 25 winless matches in between. And Nottingham Arrows, last year's specialists in winning 1-0, who scored 11 goals, opened the season by conceding nine in Edmonton, and lost their last six. Arrows' season was short on goals and long on lessons.

Act V: The rest of World 1, a cabinet of curiosities

• Cape Town Storm: 13 wins, 0 draws, 17 defeats. The first club in World 1 history to go a whole season without a single draw. Storm lost seven in a row in the middle of the season, sat 14th, and then won their last six to finish eighth. Cruyff again: "Elk nadeel heb z'n voordeel", every disadvantage has its advantage. Storm do not do compromise. They do football like a light switch.
• Galaxy Vilnius finished fifth again (56 points, 57:14), beat Raiders 6-0 in Round 2 and led the table after Rounds 2 and 3. Then, in Round 26 against the champions, Eleftherios Kostopoulos scored the only goal of the match, in his own net. You will remember Kostopoulos from last season's final day, when his own goal against Adria cost Galaxy fourth place. Ilie Stan, after a Steaua defeat, gave the definitive analysis: "Fotbalul greșeala atât așteaptă" (football is only waiting for the mistake). In Vilnius they would like football to wait for somebody else's.
• Bucharest Raiders: ninth. 11-3-16, 36 points. Their lowest finish since Season 1. They lost 0-6 at Galaxy in Round 2 and 0-4 at home to Wild Roses. Hector Ojeda, 38 during the season and 39 now, played on and scored once: Raiders 1-0 Nordlys, Round 7, 41st minute, the winner, career goal 260. He still has not retired. This newspaper no longer asks. We simply print the number.
• FC Dacia came back up and finished a calm sixth. Juventud, the first Argentine club in World 1, finished seventh, beat Wild Roses in Round 2 and kept Charly Gautier (18,000 credits, still the record) busy with 8 goals.
• Tianjama Kontao, Pacific's goalkeeper and owner of 23 career red cards, was not sent off once in the league. Not even against Galaxy. Experts are divided between maturity and a long holiday.

Act VI: World 2, the boomerangs

Last season three clubs fell out of World League 1: Hussars, Astral and Jökull. This season two of them came straight back. Jökull Reykjavik are champions of World 2: 15-13-2, 29 scored, 9 conceded, 58 points. A year ago they went down with 16 points and 10 goals. They have not become an attacking team. They have become an unbeatable one: two defeats all season, 13 draws, and a defence that let in fewer than any World 2 champion except Baltic. The title was decided on the final day: Jökull 1-0 Black Army, Amine in the 53rd minute, two points clear of Kaiser. Reykjavik has learned that the shortest way back to the top is to not let anyone past.

Second: Kaiser Vienna, 56 points and 57 goals, the best attack in the division, including 7-4 at Halicspor in Round 4, eleven goals and nobody defending anything. Kaiser lost three in a row in Rounds 26 to 28 and went up anyway, and Hilmar Ihrig, 38, signed off with the winner in the 89th minute on the final day at King Cobra, which kept the title race alive until Jökull scored. That was goal number 258. Number 250 came early, in Round 3, Kaiser 2-1 Motors, 86th minute. Last year this newspaper promised to watch every minute he played until it happened. It happened in the third match, four minutes from the end. Our eyes are tired. We regret nothing.

Third: Hussars FC Warsaw, 14-11-5, 35:14, back after one season. Without Baudet's help this time (Matthias Baudet, 38, has 463 appearances and is still playing). Missing out: Astral, fourth with 51, with Emre Yavuz the World 2 Golden Boot (16). Astral, the lift of World League 1, have stopped between floors. The engineer is on holiday.

A word for Imperial Tokyo: six wins this season, every single one 1-0. 11 goals in 30 matches, 15 draws, 12th place and safe. Last year Arrows won seven matches, all 1-0, and this newspaper called them a precision instrument. Imperial have bought the same instrument and tuned it down. Going down: Detroit Motors, FC Sipp (top of the table after Round 4, 15th at the end) and Halicspor (top after Rounds 1 and 2, last at the end, 69 conceded). Some clubs peak early. These two peaked on the first weekend.

Act VII: World 3, the draw championship

Union Santiago, relegated from World 2 last season, are champions of World 3: 18-6-6, 58 scored, 17 conceded, 60 points, title sealed in Round 29. Their striker Mendez scored 18, four of them in a single afternoon, Oresund 1-5 Union in Round 28, and shares the World 3 Golden Boot with Oresund's Damien Blenheim. Up with them: Espada Madrid (57 points, 16 conceded) and Hammer Hamburg. A year ago Hammer missed promotion on goal difference. This year they lost three of their last five and still went up, because on the final day they won the direct duel 3-2 at Oresund with an Almeida hat-trick, the winner in the 84th minute. A defeat would have sent Oresund up instead. Hamburg has learned that you can do it the hard way, as long as you do it.

Now, the records. Hangang FC Seoul drew 19 matches out of 30, the most draws by any club in any world league (Trakia's 18 in World 2 last season). They scored 14 goals, won five, lost six, and were relegated. World 3 as a whole produced 49 goalless draws, the same number as World 2. Our correspondent in Seoul has asked to be transferred somewhere with goals.

The relegation zone was a lesson in fine print. Four clubs finished on 39 points (Volcán, Atletico Aburra, Gladiator and Atlantico), and the last one went down. Gladiator and Atlantico had the same goal difference, −9. Gladiator stayed up because they had scored two more goals (30 against 28). Gladiator Milan, back from exile, survived their first season on the strength of two goals across thirty matches. Accra Stars conceded only 15, the joint second-best defence in the league, had a positive goal difference, and were relegated anyway. Also down: Atlantico Porto, Kaunas Tauras and Panthères FC (three of last year's six qualifiers), Hangang, and Munich Butterfly, last with 21 points. Aberdeen Bad Boys, like Atletico Aburra and Gladiator, survived; they did it with the best defence in the division (14 conceded) and 16 draws, which in Aberdeen counts as a party.

Act VIII: The qualifiers, and a tiger at last

For two seasons this newspaper wrote about Harimau Selatan of Johor Bahru as the best friendly club in the game and the unluckiest. Last year they lost the final round on penalties after a 7-7 aggregate. This year they left nothing to chance: 7-1 on aggregate against Honka Espoo, 1-0 at Rochdale, 9-1 against Oxygen Montreal (7-0 at home in the first leg), and 4-0 against Suwa Warriors in the final round, winning both legs. Eight legs, seven wins, one draw. Malaysia has a club in the world leagues. The door was locked for two years. Harimau did not knock this time. They took it off its hinges.

• Pokrok Kosice and Vltava Prague, both relegated from World 3 last season, came straight back. Pokrok's final round against Wellington Harbour went 0-0, 0-0, and then 9-8 on penalties. Seventeen penalties scored after 180 minutes without a goal. Vltava beat Jalisco on penalties, then Dinamo Düren, Al Najd, and Toros Sevilla, the Spanish champions, 1-0 on aggregate in the last round. Spain's champions have now failed in the qualifiers three seasons running.
• Esil Astana beat Pomorie 10-2 on aggregate (5-0 away first), Academicos 6-2, Lagune 6-0, and then Vittoria Verona, Italian champions with 15 wins and 1 draw in 16 matches, 3-1 on aggregate, winning both legs.
• Lusitania Lisbon knocked out Europe Brussels in the final round (2-0, then 0-1), after Europe had beaten Singapore 11-1 on aggregate and won 4-1 in Glasgow. Asteras Rhodes completed the six, beating Ras Al Khor Dubai and Azure Chefchaouen without conceding.
• Elsewhere: Berserkers drew 2-2 at home with Glasgow Thistle and then lost 8-1 in Glasgow. Mayab beat Trebević 8-2 in a first leg. And FC Farul Fara Bec, in their very first tie, drew 1-1 on aggregate with Suwa and lost on penalties. The lighthouse without a bulb (Act X) went out in the dark, which is at least consistent.

Act IX: The country leagues

• Italy: Vittoria Verona 15-1-0, 48:8, a perfect 8-0-0 at home and 14 straight wins. Six points behind, AC Vesuvio, relegated from World 3, scored 59 goals in 16 matches (0-7 at Nolo Whales, 8-2 against them at home) and still finished second. They led the league for eleven of the first twelve rounds. Then Vittoria arrived.
• England: Rochdale AFC are champions with 22 points and a goal difference of +1. They were last after Round 1, and took the lead for the first time after the final round. Red Bulls, top after Rounds 2 and 3, finished last. Somebody in London has stopped stockpiling calculators and started stockpiling sedatives.
• Spain: Toros Sevilla, 35 points, 36:4, and a 7-0-0 away record, five clear of Trovadores. Germany: Dinamo unbeaten (6-4-0); Ashwaganda won four at home and lost all five away, a club with a strong sense of place. France: Union Maritime again, 8-1-1, the one defeat a 0-3 at Avignon that included an own goal by Portier. Belgium: Europe Brussels lost their first two and won the last six. Debutants KSV Sottegem won once in eight.
• United States: DOOM FC Baltimore opened with four straight draws, did not lead the table until Round 9, and won it by a point. Ballers led for eight rounds and lost the last two. Blue Crab Stew finished last, which for a stew is simply bad seasoning.
• Romania: FC Farul Fara Bec (in English, roughly "the lighthouse without a bulb") are Romanian champions in their debut season, 2-0 and 2-1 against FC Backgammon. A lighthouse without a bulb found the way to the title. Backgammon, a game of dice, has asked to roll again.
• Mexico: Mayab champions. And progress for Dairylea Lunchadores: last season they played four, lost four and did not score. This season they played four, lost three, drew one, and scored a goal. One. The lunch finally has a main course. It is a small one.
• Ireland: Shannon Athletic and Liffey United each won 2-1 at home and lost 2-1 away: same points, same goals, same everything, and Shannon took the title on the tiebreakers' small print. Ioan Becali's review of a Steaua friendly in which Steaua fielded two different teams would fit perfectly: "Ambele echipe mi-a plăcut mai mult" (both teams, I liked them more). The grammar is broken. The verdict is fair.
• Also: Canada, Oxygen 4-0-0 after their drop from World 3; Scotland, Thistle, with Ravens FC on zero points (last season they had one, so this is a step in a direction); Brazil, Santana; Argentina, Academicos; Japan, Shachi; India, Vikings; Portugal, Lusitania, who then went up through the qualifiers; Norway, Berserkers; Australia, Kookaburras; China, Dragons; Vietnam, Tamtranlu, with one goal in two matches, which was enough.

Act X: Farewells and milestones

The retiring class numbers 531, a new record for the third season running (505 last year). At the front of it: Ivan Sokolov of FC Dacia, 474 appearances, the most of any player who has ever retired (Meijer's 443 lasted one week), with 62 goals and 56 assists. Dacia also lose Pompiliu Gâdei, 307 appearances and nine red cards, which in Brasov counts as a personality. Eden Philippe of King Cobra retires at 39 with 84 goals, the top scorer of this year's class; Keiji Hayashida of Imperial leaves with 82 in 425 matches. Goalkeepers Ezzat Azzam (Pyramids, 14 career red cards) and Brian Brunings (Union, 12) also hang up their gloves. Referees are planning a small party.

Still going: Ojeda 260 at 39, Ihrig 258 at 38, Olivieri 208, and Krunoslav Bekavac, who passed 200 this season (Banatul 4-1 Pacific, Round 14, 6th minute) and now has 201. And then there is Aníbal Tineo of FC Dacia. A year ago it was Ihrig on 249, one short of 250. This season Tineo scored eight goals and finished it on 249. One short of 250. Private Eye's famous Colemanballs column once collected the commentary line "He just can't believe what's not happening to him". We have the feeling it was written for Brasov. This newspaper will be watching every minute he plays. We have done it before.

Act XI: Mercato and crime blotter

After last year's record spree (273,845 credits), the market went on a diet: 134 transfers, 89,177 credits, about a third of the year before. The top fee was 4,500 credits for Christopher Flament, 18, to Union Santiago, who promptly won the league. Elia Safi went to Spicey Boys for 3,500 and scored in the title season. Lagune Abidjan spent the morning of 13 October buying three players in ninety seconds, which is the closest thing the market had to excitement. Dumitru Dragomir, president of the Romanian league, once guaranteed his players' morale like this: "Jucătorii sunt foarte încrezători! Cel puțin așa cred, n-am stat de vorbă cu ei" (the players are very confident, at least I think so, I haven't talked to them). The buyers this season were confident too. They just kept it to themselves.

Discipline: matches with a red card, or a stretcher with nobody left on the bench, 481 of 2,878. In the three world leagues, 131 red cards in 720 matches, slightly down. Penalties: 1,068 awarded, 783 scored. Own goals in the world leagues: 70, including the ones that beat Wild Roses and Galaxy. Twelve hat-tricks in the world leagues, and one four-goal afternoon (Mendez, Act VII).

Act XII: The friendlies

Azure Chefchaouen won the friendly ranking with 117 points from 64 matches, after finishing second last year. Jalisco Guadalajara (113) and Toros Sevilla (109) completed the podium, Toros ahead of Avala Belgrade on the tiebreakers. Avala played 66 and their matches produced 263 goals (148 for, 115 against), so nobody who went to watch Avala ever asked for a refund. 130 series, all completed, 4,287 goals. Top scorer: Cédric Piteira of Osaka Naniwa, 49, seven short of the all-time record. Wildcards for next season's qualifiers: Jalisco, Toros and Osaka Naniwa. Harimau Selatan, eighth in the ranking, no longer need one.

New for Season 18: Drowning Pool of Rize in Turkey, and Real Matismo of Lisbon in Portugal. Lviv Lions made their debut in Ukraine this season. Nobody was disbanded. Gary Lineker once said that football is a simple game: twenty-two men chase a ball for ninety minutes and at the end the Germans always win. This season the Germans won Dinamo's league, Hammer's promotion and not much else, so the line needs updating. Our suggestion: at the end, Spicey Boys do not lose.

Final standings

World 1: 1. Spicey Boys Barranco 82 · 2. Gold Coast Sharks 74 · 3. Wild Roses Edmonton 72 · 4. Adria Split 69 · 5. Galaxy Vilnius 56 · 6. FC Dacia Brasov 47 · 7. Juventud Buenos Aires 41 · 8. Cape Town Storm 39 · 9. Bucharest Raiders 36 · 10. Banatul Timisoara 30 · 11. Seattle Pacific 29 · 12. Pyramids Giza 27 · 13. Nordlys IF Oslo 27 · 14. Nottingham Arrows 23 · 15. Lions FC Lagos 13 · 16. Atlas Marrakech 8

World 2: 1. Jökull Reykjavik 58 · 2. Kaiser Vienna 56 · 3. Hussars FC Warsaw 53 · 4. Astral Amsterdam 51 · 5. Trakia Plovdiv 45 · 6. Black Army Budapest 44 · 7. Bania Craiova 42 · 8. Kingston Barracudas 38 · 9. King Cobra Jakarta 37 · 10. Amazonia Manaus 36 · 11. Fiko Tunis 35 · 12. Imperial Tokyo 33 · 13. Plymouth Sea Dogs 31 · 14. Detroit Motors 31 · 15. FC Sipp Dortmund 28 · 16. Halicspor Istanbul 28

World 3: 1. Union Santiago 60 · 2. Espada Madrid 57 · 3. Hammer Hamburg 48 · 4. Oresund Copenhagen 45 · 5. Diamonds Amsterdam 45 · 6. Tomis Constanta 41 · 7. Aberdeen Bad Boys 40 · 8. CD Volcán de Quito 39 · 9. Atletico Aburra Medellin 39 · 10. Gladiator Milan 39 · 11. Atlantico Porto 39 · 12. Accra Stars 37 · 13. Hangang FC Seoul 34 · 14. Panthères FC Kinshasa 33 · 15. Kaunas Tauras 27 · 16. Munich Butterfly 21

Qualifiers → World 3: Asteras Rhodes, Esil Astana, Harimau Selatan Johor Bahru, Lusitania Lisbon, Pokrok Kosice and Vltava Prague. Friendly Ranking podium: Azure Chefchaouen 117 · Jalisco Guadalajara 113 · Toros Sevilla 109; wildcards to Jalisco Guadalajara, Toros Sevilla and Osaka Naniwa.

Golden Boots: Virgilio Luján (Sharks) 18 in World 1, Emre Yavuz (Astral) 16 in World 2, Mendez (Union) and Damien Blenheim (Oresund) 18 each in World 3. Record watch: fewest points in a World 1 season, 12 → 8 (Atlas); most points by a third-placed club, 71 → 72 (Wild Roses); by a fourth-placed club, 68 → 69 (Adria); most draws by a club in any world league, 18 → 19 (Hangang); most appearances by a retiree, 443 → 474 (Sokolov); retiring class, 505 → 531. New categories: a World 1 season without a single draw (Storm); a whole season, league and friendlies, without a defeat (Spicey Boys, 64 matches); six wins, all 1-0 (Imperial). Equalled: worst World 1 goal difference, −70 (Atlas). Second all-time: 82 points and 19 straight wins (Spicey Boys). Milestones: Ihrig 250, Bekavac 200, Ojeda 260. Still one short: Tineo, 249. Still behind glass: the 10-0, the fifteen-goal match, Raiders' 83 points, and Wild Roses' 54 unbeaten.

Season 18 opens with Spicey Boys unbeaten in 44 and a single point short of Raiders' record; with Wild Roses wondering how a team concedes eight and finishes third; with Adria wondering the same about one defeat and fourth; with Jökull, Kaiser and Hussars back among the giants and Atlas, Lions and Arrows gone; with Ihrig past 250, Ojeda at 39 and Tineo on 249; and with Harimau Selatan finally inside the house they spent two years knocking at. As Hagi put it, "Eu m-am născut să fiu învingător, nu să exist": I was born to be a winner, not to exist. Season 18 will tell us who was born for what. Do not change the channel.